


For Something You Never Had

by HaughtScot



Category: Wynonna Earp - Fandom
Genre: Backstory, F/F, Introspective Nicole, Lucky she’s got Waverly, Minor Character Death, Supportive Waverly, nicole needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:29:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23237728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaughtScot/pseuds/HaughtScot
Summary: Nicole Haught doesn’t think about her parents much. She’s made a life for herself that she is happy with. An unexpected phone call could change that.
Relationships: Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 21
Kudos: 152





	For Something You Never Had

**Author's Note:**

> Hope everyone is doing as well as they can in these strange, strange days.
> 
> This is something I wrote most of months ago when I was trying to do something different for me. I didn’t really intend to post it but it seems like I can’t start anything else until I get this out there, so here goes... (it’s 1am and this hasn’t really been proofread as I wanted it done, so please excuse any glaring errors)

Nicole placed her phone face down on the desk in front of her and looked up as Waverly entered the office. She walked over, set their coffees down and dropped a kiss on the top of Nicole’s head before taking a seat opposite her and picking up the papers she’d been looking at. 

Nicole’s gaze was unfocused as she stared at the cup next to her phone. Her mind was racing so much that she didn’t realise Waverly was talking to her until a ball of scrunched up paper landed in front of her. Looking across the table, she saw Waverly staring at her, brow furrowed. 

Nicole cleared her throat and said, “Sorry Wave, what was that?” 

“I called your name three times, are you okay?” 

“Uh, yeah. I’m just getting a headache, I think I’ve been looking at these papers for too long.” 

She rubbed her forehead for emphasis, not sure why she didn’t just tell Waverly the truth straight away. 

“You do look a bit pale. Why don’t you take a break?” Waverly suggested. 

“I can’t, we’ve got so much to do.” Nicole indicated the piles of print outs and newspaper clippings strewn across the desk. 

Waverly sighed. “It’s not like we’re getting anywhere with this. Go, get some fresh air and clear your head.” 

“Yeah, okay. I’ll be back soon.” Nicole shrugged her jacket on, slipped her phone into the pocket and left Waverly sorting through the papers for what felt like the hundredth time. 

As she left the station, she zipped her jacket against the chilly air and walked into the street, already almost deserted at 8pm. Dull light spilled out of Shorty’s as an indistinct figure left the building, and Nicole headed in the opposite direction. 

So many thoughts were racing through her mind that she couldn’t grab one to focus on. Turning into a side street, she leaned against a building and pulled her phone from her pocket. Her hand shook as she unlocked it and brought up the last call she’d received. Susan Haught. Susan, not Mom. It had been so long since they’d last spoken that Nicole hadn’t known if that was even still her phone number. 

She knew, as soon as she saw that name on the screen, that something was wrong. The brief conversation confirmed it, although she could only recall brief parts of the conversation; your father; cancer; funeral. Nicole was already so thrown by talking to her mother for the first time in years that she didn’t know how to react. 

She still didn’t. She didn’t know what to feel. She knew what she was supposed to feel; sadness, grief, changed somehow. But she’d never been close to either of her parents. Sent off to any willing relative or friend so they could travel, an inconvenience to their lifestyle, she’d realised at a young age that she was on her own. They were never purposefully cruel and she was always provided for, but all she felt from them was disinterest. 

It was almost a relief when, to all intents and purposes, they disowned her when she announced her intention to join the force. She couldn’t say she never thought about them, what it might have been like to have them at graduation, to call them after her first day on the job, to introduce them to Waverly, but she was proud of the life that she’d made for herself. And now this. 

She couldn’t even remember what she’d said to her mom in response to the news. She was too surprised to do much more than listen, and she hadn’t managed to process the news enough to tell Waverly. Nicole knew she had to tell her - keeping things from her never turned out well - but she was trying to figure out how she felt about it first. Waverly didn’t know much about Nicole’s parents; she was curious, like she was about everything, but she was also perceptive enough not to push when Nicole was reluctant to offer more information. 

She tilted her head back against the wall and let out a deep sigh. She knew that, as soon as Waverly found out, she’d do everything she could to help, to take care of her, and Nicole didn’t know if she could handle that. She wanted to be able to deal with the news in her own way.

After a walk down one side of Purgatory’s Main Street and up the other, Nicole made her way back into the station. Waverly was still in the same position when she returned, hunched over a pile of documents and maps. She looked up with a tired smile when Nicole dropped into the seat opposite her and asked, “Better?” 

“Kind of. Listen, Waverly, when you were out earlier, my mom called.” 

“Your mom? But you don’t... why did she call?” Waverly was suddenly more alert. 

Managing to keep her voice steady, Nicole replied, “She called to tell me that my dad died.” 

“Oh Nicole,” Waverly rose and was round the table in an instant, “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay. I’m fine.” 

“Are you? It must be a shock.” Waverly looked more emotional than Nicole felt. 

“He hasn’t been in my life for years. I don’t really feel anything about it,” she shrugged. 

Waverly continued to hover uncertainly next to her before asking, “What happened? What did your mom say?” 

“Not much. It was cancer. The funeral is the day after tomorrow,” Nicole stated matter-of-factly. 

“Are you going to go?” Waverly asked tentatively. 

“Nope.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Look, it was made perfectly clear to me years ago that I’m not part of their lives, and that was fine with me. I don’t need to be part of this, either.” 

“But your mom called you. Maybe this was her way of reaching out?” Waverly suggested. 

“He had cancer, Waverly. If they were reaching out, making amends or whatever, they had plenty of time to do it before he died. They still didn’t want me,” Nicole burst out, giving voice to what she’d felt when her mom broke the news. 

Waverly wrapped her arms around Nicole’s shoulders and pulled her close, stroking her hair. “I’m sorry, it’s okay, it’s okay,” she whispered soothingly and Nicole allowed herself to get lost in her for a moment. 

She pulled back and swiped at her eyes, catching the few stray tears that had fallen. “Ugh, this is stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid. It’s okay to be sad Nicole, you can still grieve.” 

“How can you grieve for something you never had?” By way of reply, Waverly leaned down to kiss Nicole on the forehead. 

After a beat, Nicole turned back to the desk, cleared her throat and said, “Okay, let’s get back to this.” 

“Leave it, let’s just go home.” 

“I can work, we’ve got lots to do.” 

“And we’re getting nowhere. We’ll start again fresh tomorrow.” 

“Okay, fine,” Nicole sighed. She wanted the distraction of work but she knew Waverly was probably right, that neither of them would make much progress that night.

By unspoken agreement, they went back to the Homestead, where Nicole had taken to staying more often than not. Wynonna was sprawled along the couch when they walked in, and she raised her hand in a lazy greeting. 

Once they’d taken their coats and boots off, Waverly ushered Nicole into the living room while she went to fix them drinks. Nicole dropped heavily into the armchair, rubbing her face as she still tried to process what had happened in the last few hours.

“What’s up with you, Ginger Spice? You’re quiet,” Wynonna observed.

“Weird day,” Nicole replied with a sigh, tipping her head back to stare at the ceiling.

“Well yeah, this is Purgatory, what else is new?”

Nicole hesitated a moment before answering. “My dad died.” 

“Oh. Shit,” Wynonna said quietly, sitting up and turning to Nicole. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m fine.”

At that, Waverly reappeared, handing a glass of whiskey to Nicole and encouraging her to slide over enough to let her share the armchair. 

With the reassuring presence of Waverly settled into her side, Nicole took a gulp of the whiskey and felt the familiar burn in her chest. She could feel both Waverly and Wynonna watching her and felt obliged to reassure them, “I really am okay.” 

Waverly just nodded and laid her head on Nicole’s shoulder, while Wynonna gave her an awkward smile and shifted her gaze back to the TV. 

They sat in silence for a few moments, but Nicole knew from the way that Waverly was fidgeting that she had something to say. She tapped her fingers on Waverly’s thigh until she looked up at her, then Nicole asked, “Okay?”

“Mmhm,” Waverly nodded, then added, “Just, are you sure about the funeral?”

“Waverly…” Nicole sighed, sitting up and dislodging Waverly from her position.

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s totally your decision, I just don’t want you to regret not saying goodbye.”

“I said goodbye to him years ago. Actually, they said goodbye to me so it’s over and done with.”

“But maybe-” Waverly began before Nicole cut her off.

“Growing up with parents who just didn’t care, no matter what I did, it’s hard to explain what that was like,” she said, and immediately regretted her words when she saw the matching looks of incredulity on both Earp sisters’ faces. 

“Okay, no, you get what a rotten childhood was like. Sorry.” 

“It’s okay Nic, we all know what that feels like. We’re not having some shitty childhood competition,” Waverly moved to reassure her, and Wynonna interjected, just loud for them to hear, “We’d definitely win if we were.” 

Nicole smiled for the first time since she’d taken that phone call. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore tonight. I think I’m just gonna go shower and go to bed.”

“Okay, you go on. I’ll be up in a minute,” Waverly told her.

Nicole took longer than usual in the shower, letting the hot water work some of the tension out of her muscles. No matter how hard she tried to think of anything else though, her mind kept going back to her mom’s phone call.

As she turned off the shower, she heard a door shut downstairs and footsteps on the stairs. She quickly changed into pyjamas and walked into Waverly’s room to find her changing too.

“Did Wynonna go out?” Nicole asked.

By way of explanation, Waverly simply replied, “Doc.”

“Ah. Don’t need to know any more than that.” Nicole walked up behind Waverly and wrapped her arms around her waist, nuzzling her face into her hair. After the strangest of days, all she wanted was to be close to her girlfriend. 

Waverly turned in her arms and reached up to press a soft kiss to her lips, but before she could pull back, Nicole deepened the kiss, tightening her hold around Waverly’s waist. When she responded in kind, Nicole walked them back towards the bed and lowered Waverly onto it, following her down.

They continued to kiss, Nicole’s hands moving to the hem of Waverly’s shirt, until Waverly placed her hand on Nicole’s chest and pushed her gently back. 

“I don’t think we should do this right now Nicole. It’s been a hell of a day, maybe we should talk about what happened.” 

With a huff of frustration, Nicole lifted herself up and off the bed, pushing a hand through her hair. 

“I don’t want to talk, Waverly. There’s nothing to talk about.” 

“You’re going through something. You must be feeling-” 

“Feeling what? Sad? I don’t. Sorry he’s gone? He hasn’t been in my life for years. I don’t feel anything,” she admitted angrily. 

Waverly reached for her, concern plain to see on her face, but Nicole brushed her hand away. 

“Don’t. I’m not doing this right now.” 

Without looking back, she left the room and went down to the dark kitchen. She found a bottle of Wynonna’s whiskey and poured a generous measure before flopping onto the uncomfortable old couch. The burn of the cheap alcohol did nothing to rid her of the bad taste left from raising her voice at Waverly. 

The solitude did nothing to help either and she lasted only half an hour before making her way back upstairs. She tapped softly on Waverly’s bedroom door before opening it, stepping only partway into the room. 

Waverly was sitting up in bed, a book in her lap, and Nicole felt a squeeze in her chest when she looked up at her. 

“I’m sorry, Waverly. I didn’t mean that.” 

“I know. I just want to help you, okay? Whatever you need.” 

Nicole just nodded uncertainly, and Waverly patted the bed next to her. “Come to bed. You must be exhausted.” 

Instead of replying, Nicole walked to the bed and crawled under the covers, curling into Waverly’s side where she sat and immediately finding comfort in that familiar, bed warmed body. She hadn’t expected to sleep much after such a strange, confusing day, but as Waverly gently ran her fingers through her hair, her eyelids began to droop and soon she was drifting into a doze.

**********

Nicole left early in the morning, making the excuse that she had work to catch up on, but really she needed some time alone. Waverly was being very attentive, going out of her way not to mention her dad or the funeral, and although Nicole appreciated it, she also found it a little overbearing. 

Try as she might, distracting herself with work, she couldn’t keep her mind off her parents. For years she’d succeeded in living her life without letting them affect her, but with one short conversation everything had tilted. Despite her insistence that she would not attend the funeral, she found her mind drifting to it continuously through the day, and she was still thinking vaguely of it when she went to sleep next to Waverly.

**********

When Nicole woke from another fitful sleep, she knew what she was going to do. Careful not to disturb Waverly she climbed out of bed and started gathering what she needed. 

When she came out of the shower, she was surprised to find Waverly awake and looking for her. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Nicole apologised. 

“Is everything okay? It’s really early.” Waverly was still groggy with sleep.

“I’m fine. I’m going to go to the funeral,” Nicole told her. 

Waverly frowned a little as she replied, “Are you sure? I thought...” 

“I know, but I think I need to.” 

“Okay. Do you want me to come?” 

“Will you?” Nicole asked in a small voice. 

“Of course. Do I need to bring anything?” 

“No, I want to come straight home afterwards. We’ll need to leave soon to make it on time though.” 

“Okay. Give me ten minutes to get ready.” 

Nicole busied herself making coffee and filling travel mugs for the journey, trying, and failing, to distract herself from the day ahead. 

When Waverly reappeared, dressed and ready to leave, Nicole was standing in front of the coats hanging next to the door, trying to decide which one to wear. 

“Ready to go?” Waverly asked. 

“I don’t know which one,” Nicole replied distractedly. 

“Which what?” 

“Which coat.” Nicole gestured hopelessly to the rack. 

Waverly came to stand next to her, lifted down a dark peacoat and helped Nicole into it. She fussed for a moment straightening out the collar, then stretched up on her toes to touch her forehead to Nicole’s. Nicole breathed her in, feeling her shoulders relax a little under her touch. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, and Waverly smiled softly in return. 

“Of course. Ready now?” Nicole nodded, and Waverly held out the keys to her Jeep. “Want to drive?” 

Nicole took them gratefully; she needed to feel in control of something on this strange day, and Waverly had anticipated that.

They passed large chunks of the long drive in silence, and for the rest they made small talk or sang along to the radio. Rather, Waverly sang along quietly while Nicole stole glances at her from the corner of her eye.

As they finally neared the neighbourhood where Nicole had grown up, she felt all her calm start to disappear, and by the time they were pulling into her street, her palms were sweating and she felt nauseous. She parked in the first empty space on the street and leaned forward until her forehead touched the steering wheel, taking deep breaths. She felt Waverly’s hand on her back, rubbing gentle circles until she sat up again.

“Is this the house?” Waverly asked.

“No, it’s a few doors down. I, uh, I don’t think I can go in,” Nicole admitted, eyes fixed on the wheel.

“That’s okay. If you want to leave now, we can. Or we can wait here a while. Whatever you want,” Waverly assured her.

Nicole just nodded as she tried to decide what to do. She hadn’t anticipated how strange it would feel to be back where she grew up, facing seeing her mother again for the first time in years. It had hit harder than she thought it would and now she didn’t know if she could handle it. After all those years, she just didn’t know if those old wounds would reopen when she saw her family.

“I’m not going into the house,” she decided, “I don’t think I want to speak to her. But maybe we could go to the cemetery?”

“If that’s what you want to do,” Waverly agreed, and Nicole started the car, feeling a little better for having made the decision.

They got there early, waiting in the car until others started to arrive. Nicole scanned the gathering crowd, picking out a few faces she recognised from her childhood as her parents’ friends. When the funeral car arrived last, her eyes fixed on the door as she waited for her mother to emerge. She saw her hair first, brighter red than her own, then her face as she turned in their direction, more lined than she remembered but unmistakably her mother.

Nicole clutched Waverly’s hand tightly, watching as her mother and the rest of the mourners began to make their way to the graveside. 

“Do you want to?” Waverly asked, nodding towards the receding figures. 

“Yes. At a distance though, I don’t think I want to talk to anyone.”

They got out of the car, pulling their coats on against the cold air, and Waverly looped her arm through Nicole’s as they followed the group.

When they reached the graveside, Nicole and Waverly stopped by a tree, keeping their distance but just about close enough to hear what was being said.

Nicole felt detached as she watched, barely taking in any words, until they began to lower the coffin into the grave. She felt a tightness in her chest, an unexpected squeeze, and she let out a choked sob.

Waverly wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her tightly as the tears began to flow freely. Tears for her childhood, the things she’d missed out on; tears for how things could have been if her parents were different, if she was different. She hadn’t cried over her family for years and it felt like it was all coming out at once.

Through tears, she watched as her mom threw a handful of earth on top on the coffin and was comforted by a woman Nicole vaguely recognised. Waverly pressed a tissue into her hand and she wiped at her eyes, sniffling as she began to come back to herself.

As the crowd began to disperse, and her mom was being led away, she looked up and straight at Nicole. Their eyes locked and Nicole froze. Her mom gave her a watery smile, lifting her hand in a wave. Nicole nodded in acknowledgment then looked at Waverly. “Let’s go.”

“Do you want to talk to your mom first?”

“No. I don’t need to. She doesn’t need it either,” Nicole said, and Waverly took her arm as they walked away.

When they got back to the car, Nicole made for the driver’s side but Waverly stopped her with a sharp tug to her arm. 

“Not this time. I’ll drive.” 

“I’m fine, Waves-“ Nicole began before she cut her off. 

“You’re exhausted. Let me, please.” 

With a tired shrug, Nicole handed the keys over and walked to the other side, realising as she sat heavily in the seat just how tired she was. 

“I’ll never be like them, you know,” Nicole said quietly, watching as her breath misted the window. They had been driving in silence for almost an hour.

“What’s that, baby?” Waverly asked gently. 

Nicole sat up properly in the seat and stared at the road ahead. “My parents. I’ll never be like that.” 

“Of course not. You’re the most caring person I’ve ever met, you make everyone feel like they matter,” Waverly assured her, leaning across to squeeze her hand where it lay in her lap. 

Nicole leaned against the window again and felt her eyes droop as the exhaustion of the last few days caught up with her. She settled further into the seat and allowed herself to drift. “Our kids will never doubt that they’re loved,” she mumbled, and just felt the squeeze of Waverly’s hand as sleep took her. 

She woke with a start as the car lurched over a particularly bad pothole. “Wha...” she started sleepily, looking over at Waverly. 

“Sorry Nic, I didn’t mean to wake you. Stupid road,” Waverly apologised. 

“It’s okay. We’re nearly home?” 

“Just about.” 

“I’m sorry I slept so long, and left you with that boring drive.” 

“It’s fine, you needed to sleep. How do you feel?” 

“Better, I think. I needed to do that today.” 

“You did the right thing. I hope this helps you find peace with it.” 

“It will. Thank you for being by my side. I don’t know if I could’ve done it without you.” 

“You could, but thank you for letting me be there.” 

They passed the remainder of the drive mostly in comfortable silence, stopping to pick up takeout as they both felt in need of comfort food. 

An hour later, the coffee table was covered in empty containers and Waverly and Nicole were sprawled on the couch, half watching a documentary Waverly had picked out. 

Nicole was hovering on the edge of sleep again when she heard Waverly speak up from her position curled into her side. “So, our kids, huh?” 

Nicole groaned quietly and covered her face with her hand. “You heard that then?” 

“I did. Did you mean it?” 

“I don’t know where that came from. I know we’ve only talked a bit about it, but... I don’t know. Sorry Waves.” Nicole risked a sidelong glance at Waverly and saw a small smile on her face. 

“Why are you sorry? I loved hearing you say that. Our kids.” Waverly’s small smile grew into a wide grin, and Nicole felt a rush of relief. 

“Oh, okay. I know this isn’t the right time, with the curse and everything, and it’s probably not the time to talk about it either, but in our future?” 

“Definitely. I’d honestly never thought much about kids of my own, but now, sometimes it’s all I can think about. Nicole, our kids are gonna be so lucky to have you as a parent.” 

Nicole barely noticed that she was crying until she felt a tear drip from her jaw. Silently she lifted Waverly’s hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

“Thank you Waverly. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

“You know what you mean to me? Everything,” Waverly pushed herself up to kiss her, and for the first time in days Nicole felt at peace.

Home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, folks, I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Give me a shout on Twitter if you wish @HaughtToScot - I’m off work for 12 weeks so I’m gonna need a lot of distraction and entertainment...
> 
> Stay safe and stay well.


End file.
